When Family Words Mean Different Things

In-law and family tension can become marital strain. Two people marry, and ordinary words such as “close,” “help,” “loyal” and “private” suddenly have to work inside two families that may have used them quite differently for years.

What does “close” mean?

“Close” might mean speaking to a parent every day, Sunday lunch every week and dropping in without asking. In another family, people care deeply while calling less often and arranging visits in advance. Which version is warm, and which feels demanding? The answer depends on what each spouse thought family closeness would look like after marriage.

When “help” comes with expectations

“Help” can be just as hard to read. Regular childcare from grandparents may make work possible. Money from a parent may cover an urgent bill. The person helping may then expect a say about the children, home or next holiday. Was that expectation understood from the beginning? Gratitude and pressure can sit inside the same arrangement.

“Loyal” to whom?

Then there is “loyal.” One spouse may hear loyalty as standing beside a partner when relatives criticise. The other may hear it as never embarrassing a parent or refusing a sibling in need. If Christmas can't be spent with both families, who's been let down? If an adult child tells a parent about a disagreement at home, is that a normal family conversation or has something private left the marriage?

Two versions of “private”

“Private” can mean keeping financial decisions between spouses, or simply asking relatives to call before visiting. A weekend alone may sound ordinary to one person and like rejection to another. Even “Do you like my family?” asks for a simple verdict on relationships that are rarely simple.

Sixteen years of newlywed lives

A 16-year American study gives some shape to this untidy subject. M. Rosie Shrout and colleagues used information from 373 newlywed couples in the University of Michigan’s Early Years of Marriage Project. The couples answered questions in years 1, 3, 7 and 16 about their marriages and their relationships with relatives and friends. The work was published in the peer-reviewed Journal of Social and Personal Relationships; readers can read the Shrout study itself.

The relationships remain connected, as they are in ordinary life. A couple under pressure may hear a relative’s question more sharply. Relatives who sense trouble may offer support, keep away or become more involved. The person who exhausts everyone during a visit may still be the first to help in a crisis. Where does family strain begin in such a year?

When family meaning enters the household budget

Money disagreements are one place where the families’ concerns can mix with the couple’s own conflict. Jeffrey Dew, Sonya Britt and Sandra Huston studied 4,574 couples and found that financial disagreements were among the forms of disagreement most strongly associated with divorce. Their work appeared in Family Relations, a peer-reviewed journal about families. You can open and read the Family Relations study here. A loan to a sibling or support from a parent may carry meanings that a household budget can't show.

As needs and loyalties change over the years, how do two joined families come to understand what “family” is allowed to mean inside the marriage?