Why Did Having Friends Over Become So Much Work?

Having friends over for an evening can feel like taking on another job, especially when there are children to feed and a house that needs attention already. Before an invitation has even been sent, there's the cleaning, shopping, cooking and clearing up afterwards. By then, going out sounds easier. But how much of that work did the visit actually require?

The house we think guests will see

First, the house. Somewhere to sit, a usable bathroom, room to put a cup down. So far, quite manageable. Then we notice the floor, the toys, the pile that has been waiting to go upstairs, and suddenly the whole house seems to need doing.

The Guardian, a British newspaper, looks at why people have stopped hosting. It reports a UK poll of 2,000 adults in which more than four in ten avoided hosting because of the clean-up.

Caz, a woman using a different name in the article, has two children under ten. She knows her friends don't mind the mess, “but it doesn't stop me from feeling shame every time anyone comes over.”

When food becomes the event

Next, the food. We could have something ready before anyone arrives. But perhaps a proper invitation ought to involve a cooked dinner? We've added quite a lot of work with that one thought.

Rehanna, 41, from Birmingham, told the Guardian: “I can't host and cook at the same time, so if I have people over it will usually be a cold buffet I have made earlier.”

That sounds quite sensible. Otherwise, after all the arranging, the person who wanted to see their friends might spend the evening in the kitchen. Simon, 37, from Glasgow, put it this way in the same report: “When you host, quite often it feels like you're just a spectator to your friends' evening”.

What does hosting cost?

Then comes the shopping bill. The Guardian cites figures from restaurant booking site TheFork, reported by Retail Times: a three-course dinner at home for six cost the host more than £82, against an average restaurant cost of just over £30 per person. The home dinner is cheaper per person, but one household pays the whole bill. An invitation for tea would involve a rather different shopping basket.

Why visits have become rarer

Derek Thompson, an American writer and journalist, suggests more intensive parenting helps explain the decline in hosting. In his essay about Americans having fewer guests, he compares a 1975 survey of Americans with a new one that repeated its questions. The share who had friends or family round at least once a month fell from 42 percent to 12 percent. These are separate surveys, rather than the same households followed over time.

Distance adds another complication. Anthropologist Robin Dunbar describes a 30-minute rule in the Guardian: beyond that travelling time, regular visits tend to fall away. A quick cup of tea becomes an outing that needs arranging.

British psychotherapist Kamalyn Kaur recalls in the same article how half-hour visits to her parents became pre-arranged events by her early twenties. Even a short visit now needed planning.

Finally, the evening itself. Thompson points out that home entertainment makes staying in alone an easy choice. After a busy day, inviting people over has to compete with doing almost nothing.