Who Takes the Leave When the Baby Comes?

Nobody knows a new baby automatically. Both parents have to learn what helps this baby feed, settle and sleep, what needs packing before going out, and which little signs mean something needs changing. That takes hours. So when one parent gets months at home and the other gets a few days, why would we expect them to come away knowing the same things?

The parent at home gets more attempts. More feeds, more changes, more trying something that worked yesterday and finding it doesn't work today. Slowly, there is less guessing. The other parent may care just as much, yet still need to ask where something is or what usually works.

Who gets the time to learn?

Paid leave has a lot to do with who gets those hours. UN News, the United Nations news service, reports on a joint policy brief from UN Women and the World Bank Group. Across 190 economies, mothers average 196 days of paid leave and fathers 25. In 66 economies, fathers have no guaranteed paid leave. You can read the UN News report here.

Those averages don't mean every mother has months of paid leave. Mothers aren't protected everywhere either. And whatever the law allows, a family's income and employers may leave very little room to choose.

Still, look at what unequal time makes possible. One parent learns to pack the bag because they've packed it so often. They notice the baby is getting tired before the crying starts. Soon, asking them is quicker than working it out.

Understandable, isn't it? Everyone is tired. But if every uncertainty goes back to the same person, that person keeps doing the thinking, even while someone else holds the baby. More practice becomes more knowledge, and the parent who knows most can quietly become the default parent.

Can both parents get a proper turn?

Recovering from birth matters. So does feeding, especially when one parent is breastfeeding. Equal participation needn't mean identical tasks or identical weeks. There may be good reasons for one person to do something the other cannot.

But how much of the remaining care could each parent get to know properly?

Taking responsibility for a regular part of the day gives the less practised parent something to learn from beginning to end. Settling after a feed, for example, means trying, noticing and adjusting, rather than handing the baby back at the first difficulty. Getting ready for an outing includes working out what to pack.

Of course parents can ask each other questions. Nobody needs to struggle just to prove a point. But does the more experienced parent have to supervise every attempt? There needs to be some room for the other person to learn, including finding a different way that works safely.

When paid work starts again

For many people in the Responsible Adult Blob, ages 31–36, a new baby arrives while work responsibilities are growing too. Returning to work changes the hours each parent has available. It doesn't automatically change who knows what. The arrangement needs another look, or the person who learnt everything first may remain responsible for remembering it all.

UN News reports that fathers who take leave tend to share more childcare and housework later. The habits formed during those early weeks may last much longer than the leave itself.

Sources

• UN News: reporting on the joint UN Women and World Bank Group policy brief on parental leave